Asymptotes and Dropping Shoes

Just when I thought my frustration was at an all-time high,the other shoe drops.  I don’t even know how I came across the article.  Well, actually, that’s a lie, I do know how I came across the article, but it’s embarrassing.  I was searching for ‘lymphedema spontaneous recovery.’  A mother can dream, right?  Anyway, what I got was more to freak out over.  Awesome. 

So Juniper’s big toenail on her right foot (her good leg) has been looking a little funky for the past couple of months, and I’ve been worrying about it, and I was planning on mentioning it to her doctor at our next well baby visit. Hence, when the words ‘yellow' and 'nail’ popped up in my previously mentioned miracle-hunting search, I was intrigued.  

Turns out some things are best left undiscovered.  My research is full of holes I’m sure, but basically there is a very rare disease with the charming name of ‘Yellow Nail Syndrome’ that presents with the glorious triad of yellow nails, lymphedema, and lung problems. But wait, Juniper doesn’t have lung problems!  Oh yeah, all of the research I read said that you basically consider the patient to have yellow nail syndrome if only two of the symptoms present themselves, because, don’t worry, the third will eventually present itself in time.  See, the awesomeness just doesn’t stop.  
Like she’s not going to have enough going on with her leg, now we’ve got ugly nails and potential major lung and breathing issues to worry about?  Freaking out over here, I’m not going to lie. 

It was a rough week last week.  We’re not really noticing any improvements in swelling, and since Juniper is crawling now, it is getting really hard to do her massage, wrapping is a totally impossibility so we’ve been relying on her tiny tribute.  I was already feeling like I was at my breaking point, and this is tipping me closer to that edge.  It’s not really so much an edge as it is an asymptote- you’re always getting closer to that edge, but you can go on approaching it infinitely.   Someone please tell me that it’s all going to be okay, because it’s really starting tofeel like it isn’t. 

Yesterday we went out to dinner with Daniel’s family for his Nana’s birthday.  Daniel’s aunt and uncle gave us a christening gift for Juniper of a lovely crystal frame.  In the frame, they’d put a photo of Daniel, Juniper and me from when we visited them when Juniper was a little over two weeks old.  So, before everything happened.  Maybe it’s because there’s still the pregnancy weight in my face, but I swear I look ten years younger in the photo than I do now. It’s a great shot of us, we look so totally happy, and I’m so glad to have it, but it also makes me really, really sad. 

There’s good stuff happening over here too; like the crawling all around the house to come and find me, and the babbling, and the laughing.  I don’t want the crappy to outshine the amazingly good, because the good is so good, but I am frustrated, and angry, and sad, and I guess that’s just how it is.  
I promise next time I will have some sunshine to share, but for now friends, I'm feeling like the storm we're supposed to get: about to bring two feet of snow to the world around me.  

Rhythm

I've been thinking a lot about the rhythm  of life lately.  Apparently this is a Waldorf thing.  As I'm not super-well versed in things Waldorfian, I didn't know that, but I've been getting more interested in Waldorf philosophy lately. I know this isn't original, as lots of other people seem to be getting interested in it as well.  There was recently an article about a Waldorf school in the Bay Area where lots of Google folk send their children.  Google folk sending their children to a school where computers aren't used seemed to be enough of a paradox to warrant a newspaper article.  

Is it really that surprising?

We are becoming less connected to real people and real things in our lives, yet I think as human beings we crave connectedness.  I love the internet, I love my iPad, but I also love birthday cake, and I know none of these things are really nourishing to my mind or my body.  I hope you don't feed your little one cake everyday, and I think computers and technology in general should fall under the same principle.  Waldorf folk seem to believe this to be true, so I am going to do some investigating.  

I love Montessori philosophy, and while I do agree that it is the task of the young child to figure out the world around them, I also know that as a child I created fantasy lands so intricate that I lost myself (and anyone tolerant enough follow my orders) in them for hours.  Children seem to want life to be magical, and I'm not sure it is such a terrible thing to allow them a little of that magic.

Anyway, rhythm.  In my last post, I talked about trying to do a better job of finding that sweet spot for myself in my work life.  I'm hoping to do this not only so I can be happier, but also so that my mornings at work flow nicely together with my afternoons and evenings at home.  I know it is important for Juniper that we start to develop a rhythm to our days, but it is also important for me. I need to know what happens when I get home from work in the afternoon: Do I do my cleaning chores?  Play with Juniper? Put her down for a nap right away or after 20 minutes? An hour?  If I don't know the order of things she certainly doesn't.  I'm not talking about getting all rigid with our schedule and having no flexibility ever, but I do think that as human beings we crave some sense of predictability in our lives.  I'd like to think that it allows us to appreciate the ebb and flow of our days.

I've never been one for resolutions at the start of the year, but I've been kind of liking the "theme" for a year idea that I've been hearing about lately.  So not a resolution really.  An intention, maybe?  We'll see.  

Happiness

I was grappling over the weekend with my experience staying home with Juniper on Tuesday.  I felt so calm, accomplished and, yes, tired, but in a good way at the end of the day.  The only thing I feel after a work day lately is tired.  Why is that?  I know I love being home with my daughter, doing mom-y and home-y things, but I couldn't, and still can't, help but feel like there is more to it than that.  Specifically, is there anything that I could be doing differently to help me feel more like how I'd like to feel after a day of work?
Unfortunately, I didn't come up with any new strategies to try while we were hiking (when I do my best thinking).  I do think that part of my satisfaction when I'm home comes from the fact that while, yes, I am doing productive work around the home, it is work that I do not have to do.  Like, I make sauerkraut at home because I think it's healthy to eat fermented vegetables, and it is much cheaper to make them at home than it is to buy them, but I don't have to make sauerkraut.  I don't have to make yogurt.  I don't have to sew Juniper a dress or knit her a sweater.  I do those things because I want to, and because I enjoy it, but my family's sustenance and warmth don't depend on it.  100 years ago, I might not have gotten the same kind of satisfaction from these activities because I would have had to do them or my family would go naked, or our garden's bounty have gone to waste.

I do have to go to work.  I think no matter how much you enjoy your profession, how much you think it matters in the world, it is still work.  Teaching is a special brand because it is often a rarity that you leave the classroom feeling like you really achieved a lot that day.  You don't really know what you've accomplished, being a teacher, until well after the fact, or sometimes never.  There's not a 'everything is in its place, and my to-do list is tackled, and all is well' kind of a feeling at the end of each day.  If anything, it is quite the opposite, where each day only reveals how much more there is to be done, and how inadequate your efforts in helping young minds unfold are.
I need to find some middle ground here.  I am, mostly, at peace with the fact that I have to work, and I am happy that I have work which allows me so much time to spend with Juniper and with my family.  Yet, I am still not feeling balanced about it.  There are still some sticky places to be smoothed out. My baby girl turned eight months old yesterday.  Time is so fleeting, and I think it's time to try and get some of that smoothing sorted out, or at least make some more peace with the stickyness.

PHFR

Pretty

Juniper was pretty sick, so I stayed home on Tuesday.  Turns out when you are not the ill person, you can get a lot done when you are home with no husband to distract you, and no prospect of leaving the house since you are caring for a wee ill person.  

I got some sauerkraut going in my new vegetable fermentation jar, I soaked and dried some almonds, made yogurt, and cleaned my house.  Think of all I could accomplish if pesky work did not get in the way.  I tried to bring some of that same enthusiasm to my afternoon when I got home on Wednesday, and it wasn't happening.  

{Happy}

I think the cabbage looks pretty happy in its new home, don't you?

{Funny}

Don't worry, while there is video coverage of this culinary event, I will spare you

Juniper had salmon for dinner last night.  She totally loved it.  I've been wanting to give her salmon for a couple of weeks, but I've been afraid to because Daniel was allergic to fish and shellfish as a kid.  I, on the other hand, have/had no allergies at all.  I got over my fear and gave her a small amount last night to test the waters, and I don't think she had a bad reaction at all.  I'm pretty stoked because this opens up a whole other realm of food possibilities for her, and she's getting good fats and brain fuel.  

Not sure if my face or hers is funnier

{Real}

Juniper has had the sniffles before and she, obviously, has had cellulitis a few times, but this was her first 'real' sickness.  Her fever got pretty high a couple of times, but always dropped once she napped or slept at night, but it is still unnerving to have a sick baby who can't communicate with you.  On top of that, her eczema was really bad and I was super-paranoid that her sickness was really another, bad attack of cellulitis.  She seems mostly in the clear now, but she does have kind of a bad cough still.  I'm hoping that clears up in the next few days.  

Her eczema is something that I've been worrying about the past few weeks.  All of my over-researching has led me to believe that it is really a manifestation of a food allergy, internal imbalance, or yeast issue.  I haven't done an elimination diet because, well, I really don't want to.  Yesterday, her skin looked way better, and this morning it was still looking good.  Of course I am a bad scientist and there are multiple variables that could have contributed to the improvement. 

First, she's been logging some serious quality time with the humidifier.  When I stayed home on Tuesday she was under its misty spell pretty much the whole day, and last night and Tuesday night she slept with it in her room.  Maybe it is just dryness and I'm over-thinking the whole food connection? Second, since she was feverish, I didn't have her in fleece jammies at night, just thick cotton ones.  I've read that eczema skin needs to breathe, so maybe the fleece was the issue (she wore fleece jammies last night, and her arms felt dry this morning).  Third, I haven't eaten eggs in four days.  Not on purpose, we just ran out, and it sometimes takes us a few days to coordinate getting pastured ones from the ranch.  I seriously hope it isn't the eggs, because I do love them, but I'd rather it be eggs than dairy for now.  I'm going to stay off eggs for a few more days, see how her skin does, and then add them back to see what happens.  It would be really awesome to get this figured out because the dry patches make her way more prone to cellulitis, and they can't be comfortable.  

Hope your weeks were great, friends!

I realize that I haven't said much about Juniper's lymphedema in awhile.  I guess because not much has changed.  If I think about it too much I get discouraged.  Right now, in the moment it doesn't seem like a huge deal.  We've gotten used to what we need to do every day, and the future seems so distant for now.  Today we have things to deal with, like the drool issue seen above.  I think we've entered the 'pre-teething' stage, or at least I hope it's pre-teething and not for real teething yet, or I am in trouble.  

We took Juniper swimming for the first time over the weekend.  I've really been wanting to take her since she flaps around in her bath so much.  She didn't quite know what to think at first, and I think was a little confused about why her mom and dad were in this huge bathtub with her.  Once she got over her initial confusion, she had a great time and kicked up a storm.  

Swimming is supposed to be great for lymphedema, and after swimming, I think her leg looked a little better, but honestly I'm not sure.  Juniper will stand (assisted) for a few seconds now, and when she is standing you can really see the difference between her legs- or maybe it seems that way because I'm just not used to seeing her at that angle.  D and I are both a little worried because it does seem like she favors her right leg when she stands, but I guess it could be totally unrelated, or even if it is related, it might just feel weird to her to begin with.  She does put even pressure on both legs after  she gets her bearings.  Maybe it is kind of uncomfortable to put pressure on the fluid in the bottom of her foot at first?  So many things I wish she could tell us.  

We are still wrapping her leg at night.  It still looks good (okay? I guess not really good) in the morning, but I have to say I'm a little disappointed that we aren't seeing any real impact in the size of her leg overall. I'd hoped that after a couple of months of wrapping at night we'd start to see a difference, but I really don't.  I think that her diapers are actually causing some problems, because her thigh is bigger now than it used to be, and I think the fluid is kind of getting stuck in the space between where the wrap ends and her diaper starts.  Not much we can do about that really.  I'm glad that we are doing EC, because hopefully she will be out of diapers a little earlier and this will be an issue for a shorter amount of time.  She is dealing with the wrapping, it's just a part of her bedtime routine now.  The only thing that I think bothers her is when she is really tired and my wrapping her kind of keeps her awake- then she gets annoyed that I'm messing with her and she can't just go to sleep.  She has also gotten good at kicking the whole thing off in her sleep.  A few times I've found the wrap completely off her leg in the bottom of her sleep sack.  

We haven't had a therapy appointment in over a month.  Now that we've had that break, I'm realizing just how much time that took up, and how much her lymphedema totally consumed my summer.  I think we've gotten a little lazy, or maybe we're just getting used to all of it?  I'm not sure.  I still feel like if I did just a little more, then her leg would be better.  Our therapist went to a lymphedema conference at the beginning of the month, so I'm hoping that at our appointment next week she has something new to offer us- just something a little more concrete about what we should be doing, and what our timeline should be for getting Juniper into a stocking during the day.  Anything really would be nice.  

The other thing is that every day Juniper is more and more aware and engaged.  She isn't just this passive little being anymore, and this makes her lymphedema a smaller part of who she is.  It is definitely that way for me when we are at home, but when we are out I find myself doing things to hide her leg (dress her in leggings, drape the tail of the sling over it, put my arm over it, etc.).  I just don't want to explain it to people, and, honestly, I don't want strangers staring at me thinking I'm a bad mom in some way.  It's funny, because since I had Juniper, I am so much less self-conscious than I used to be, but not about this.  I need to get over it soon though, because I don't want Juniper to think in any way that she should hide her leg.  Man does being a parent make you own up to your issues.  

Coming up, a floor bed update!

Montessori Madness: The Floor Bed

One of the ideas I like most about the Montessori child's room is the floor bed.   I love that you give the child the opportunity to explore her environment freely and that the child gets the sense that she is capable and able to do things on her own.  Yes, cribs are convenient for parents duing certain stages, but it seems to me that they are problematic as well, i.e. you cant lie in them with your child, it's a back breaker to move your baby in and out of the crib, your child will eventually learn to climb out of one and then you've got to transition to a real bed, etc.  But, I don't know anyone in real life who has used a floor bed, so when I was pregnant, while I loved the idea in theory, I shied away from it thinking that I would later come to regret it and have to get a crib anyway.  So we got a crib and I set up the rest of her nursery as close as I could to the Montessori ideal.

The other night I was going back and forth yet again about Juniper sleeping in her crib versus our bed, and I couldn't really get to a happy place regarding either.  The next morning I had a head slapping moment when it occurred to me that what might solve some of our problems would be to switch to the floor bed.

Juniper has, mostly, been falling asleep while we massage and wrap her leg while she's lying in our bed.  This was both good and bad.  Good because it seemed like wrapping was starting to be a sleep cue for her, and bad because I couldn't see how this would ever work with her sleeping in a crib.  Floor bed to the rescue! This way we can do the routine in her bed on the floor.  I think it also may solve the night issues as well because I won't have to haul her out of her crib to change and feed her, I can just do that in her bed too.

Basically, I've given myself the excuse to try this (maybe crazy) Montessori idea that I love in theory for real.  I reserve the right to put this experiment into the major parenting flop pile in a few months as well.

We talked a little about buying a twin futon, but since the room is so small, and we already shelled out for an organic crib mattress, we decided to just use that, and before Juniper's morning nap we'd moved the crib out. 

So far, the only drawback is that Juniper seems to really like it, and today she napped a little less than normal as a result.  

I think as she settles in and it becomes the norm this will be less of a problem, but maybe not.  We're keeping the crib for the foreseeable future in case this turns into a major disaster, but I'm really hoping that it works out.

P.S. Juniper only naps with a blanket, this is because we are always around watching her.  At night she wears a wool sleep sack over her jammies.  Also, right next to the bed is not the permanent or normal home of her toy arch!