Asymptotes and Dropping Shoes

Just when I thought my frustration was at an all-time high,the other shoe drops.  I don’t even know how I came across the article.  Well, actually, that’s a lie, I do know how I came across the article, but it’s embarrassing.  I was searching for ‘lymphedema spontaneous recovery.’  A mother can dream, right?  Anyway, what I got was more to freak out over.  Awesome. 
So Juniper’s big toenail on her right foot (her good leg) has been looking a little funky for the past couple of months, and I’ve been worrying about it, and I was planning on mentioning it to her doctor at our next well baby visit. Hence, when the words ‘yellow' and 'nail’ popped up in my previously mentioned miracle-hunting search, I was intrigued.  

Turns out some things are best left undiscovered.  My research is full of holes I’m sure, but basically there is a very rare disease with the charming name of ‘Yellow Nail Syndrome’ that presents with the glorious triad of yellow nails, lymphedema, and lung problems. But wait, Juniper doesn’t have lung problems!  Oh yeah, all of the research I read said that you basically consider the patient to have yellow nail syndrome if only two of the symptoms present themselves, because, don’t worry, the third will eventually present itself in time.  See, the awesomeness just doesn’t stop.  
Like she’s not going to have enough going on with her leg, now we’ve got ugly nails and potential major lung and breathing issues to worry about?  Freaking out over here, I’m not going to lie. 
It was a rough week last week.  We’re not really noticing any improvements in swelling, and since Juniper is crawling now, it is getting really hard to do her massage, wrapping is a totally impossibility so we’ve been relying on her tiny tribute.  I was already feeling like I was at my breaking point, and this is tipping me closer to that edge.  It’s not really so much an edge as it is an asymptote- you’re always getting closer to that edge, but you can go on approaching it infinitely.   Someone please tell me that it’s all going to be okay, because it’s really starting tofeel like it isn’t. 

Yesterday we went out to dinner with Daniel’s family for his Nana’s birthday.  Daniel’s aunt and uncle gave us a christening gift for Juniper of a lovely crystal frame.  In the frame, they’d put a photo of Daniel, Juniper and me from when we visited them when Juniper was a little over two weeks old.  So, before everything happened.  Maybe it’s because there’s still the pregnancy weight in my face, but I swear I look ten years younger in the photo than I do now. It’s a great shot of us, we look so totally happy, and I’m so glad to have it, but it also makes me really, really sad. 
There’s good stuff happening over here too; like the crawling all around the house to come and find me, and the babbling, and the laughing.  I don’t want the crappy to outshine the amazingly good, because the good is so good, but I am frustrated, and angry, and sad, and I guess that’s just how it is.  
I promise next time I will have some sunshine to share, but for now friends, I'm feeling like the storm we're supposed to get: about to bring two feet of snow to the world around me.  


  1. Can I send you a huge hug across the country, because I would like to....

  2. Juniper is beautiful and happy, and you two are awesome parents. Don't worry about the things you can't control - it'll be okay (easy for me to say, right?)